Open Heart, Big Fence: 5 Strategies for Maintaining Strong Boundaries in Life

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Open Heart, Big Fence 5 Strategies for Maintaining Strong Boundaries in Life

How do you keep an open heart, while also protecting your own well-being?

ā€˜Healthy boundariesā€™ is a term we’re not so familiar. Becoming aware of the whole concept of boundaries was a revelation for me. Particularly when I realised that all my years of struggle, exhaustion, and overwhelm had been. Because I didnā€™t know that I was allowed to ā€“ and supposed to ā€“ have boundaries.

I had always allowed the needs and desires of others to dictate my life. Somewhere along the way, we as women, learn that it isnā€™t OK to put ourselves first. That it is more important to meet the expectations of others, and underneath all thatā€¦ some of us feel that we’re notĀ worthyĀ of putting our own needs first.

We are so busy trying to be what we think others want us to be that we actually donā€™t even know what we want or need. Let alone have the courage to take a stand for that. Needless to say, this isnā€™t a joyful way to live.

I was so busy trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be that I actually didnā€™t even know what I wanted or needed.

For the past 5 ā€“ 10 years or so Iā€™ve been learning, albeit slowly. At times not so successfully, how to set boundaries in my life.

Sometimes Iā€™m really tuned in and I can take a stand for myself and my needs. And it feels great when Iā€™m able to do that.

To my surprise, those around me adjust quite easily when Iā€™m able to communicate my boundaries effectively and lovingly. And it usually does them a favour too. It helps us all avoid situations that are likely to cause stress and tension when strong, clear boundaries are communicated and protected. It feels empowering to set a boundary and have it respectfully met.

It feels empowering to set a boundary and have it respectfully met.

But thereā€™s definitely an ā€˜artā€™ to setting and maintaining healthy boundaries and Iā€™m still practising it. In recent years, I went on a holiday with extended family. I experienced again what itā€™s like to let my boundaries be crossed. To lose control over my well-being because of it.

There are some situations in life that we know are going to cause stress and tension. When we willingly put ourselves in those situations without clear and healthy boundaries, itā€™s guaranteed to cause trouble. My father calls those situations ā€œputting your hand in the mincerā€.

Thatā€™s what I did ā€“ again ā€“ ugh.

When we willingly put ourselves in stressful situations without clear and healthy boundaries, itā€™s guaranteed to cause trouble. Click To Tweet

Why did I willingly put myself right in the middle of a tense and predictably difficult situation? I think because I had naively hoped that maybe this time things would be different. That maybe by now weā€™ve all moved on enough to be able to handle things differently.

But childhood wounds run deep.

Despite our best intentions to stay grounded and unaffected. Certain family members can trigger us right back to our six-, ten,- or fifteen-year-old self. And before we know it, weā€™re behaving just as if we were that age again.

If you havenā€™t been able to work through past family or relationship conflicts through therapy or fair. Open discussions with each other, thereā€™s always going to be residual pain in the relationship, just below the surface. Unless both parties have been able to work through the issues to the point where unconditional forgiveness is possible on both sides. The relationship will remain strained.

Unless both parties have been able to work through the issues to the point where unconditional forgiveness is possible on both sides, the relationship will remain strained.

I’m a big believer in always looking at our own role in conflicts and trying to understand. How and where things have gone wrong in the past so we can do better next time.

We need to try to understand what we can personally do differently. How we can be more effective at preventing stressful situations or conflicts in future. Perhaps thereā€™s a difficult conversation you need to have to resolve an issue. Or maybe you need to work on your own preconceptions and judgements. About other people and cultivate more loving acceptance within ourselves towards others.

We need to understand what we can do differently and how we can be more effective at preventing stressful situations or conflicts in future.

And yet sometimes we just need to accept that no matter how much we wish. Hope that certain relationships could be different, the reality is that the most difficult ones may never change.

It takes two people to build a bridge, and if only one is committed to working through the emotional pain. To find resolution, the bridge will never be whole.

It takes two people to build a bridge, and if only one is committed to working through the emotional pain to find resolution, the bridge will never be whole. Click To Tweet

We need to learn how to make peace with that and instead of always trying and wishing. We could change things, the challenge instead is to learn how to manage these situations more effectively.

How Do You Know If Your Boundaries Have Been Crossed?

Psychologist Dr. Dana Gionta says that you can recognise when your boundaries have been crossed by tuning into your feelings. There are two key feelings that are red flags or cues that you need to enforce more healthy boundaries:

  1. Discomfort
  2. Resentment

If someone or a situation is causing you discomfort or feelings of resentment, ask yourself ā€œWhatā€™s causing that? What is it about this interaction, or the personā€™s expectation thatā€™s bothering me?ā€

Dr. Gionta says ā€œresentment usually comes from being taken advantage of or feeling unappreciated. Itā€™s often a sign that weā€™re pushing ourselves either beyond our own limits. Because we feel guilty (we want to be a good daughter or wife, for example). Or someone else is imposing their expectations, views, values or judgements on us.ā€

In all these cases, youā€™ve let the other personā€™s needs, expectations, views, and judgements interfere with your own values and priorities.

You Can Protect Your Boundaries by Checking Your ā€˜Personal Engine Lightā€™

The way you feel around someone else can also be a big cue to strengthen your personal boundaries. Life coach Britt Bolnick says you should always ā€œcheck your personal engine lightā€ when youā€™re around different people.

The way you feel around someone else can be a big cue to strengthen your personal boundaries.

How does it feel in your body when youā€™re with someone? Does it feel in your mind? How does the presence of this person affect you?

Imagine that your body is like a car, with a dashboard full of warning lights. You have your very own ā€œcheck the engineā€ light for your personal boundary system. Your feelings are a security warning that your personal energy field has been breached. And youā€™re letting in stuff that isnā€™t yours.

This is exactly what I unwillingly allowed during my family holiday. I was letting in all kinds of ā€˜stuffā€™ that wasnā€™t mine to take on. My personal boundaries were weak, unguarded or unclear, and I was giving away my personal energy unconsciously.

How Do You Set Stronger and More ā€˜Healthyā€™ Boundaries for Yourself?

Here are my five tips and strategies to help you protect your emotional well-being in difficult situations.

1. Know Your Limits

You canā€™t set healthy boundaries if you donā€™t know what your limits are. What is it that you need to protect yourself physically, emotionally and mentally? What is it that knocks you off-centre or leaves you feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, resentful or just plain irritated? Are you able to accept and tolerate, and what are the things that make you feel uncomfortable and stressed? Remember, feelings of stress and discomfort help you identify what your limits are.

You canā€™t set healthy boundaries if you donā€™t know what your limits are. Click To Tweet

2. Make Self-Care Your Priority

By making self-care your priority, it means youā€™re giving yourself permission to put yourself first. The first critical step to setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. When you recognise the importance of your own feelings and honour them. Through prioritising self-care, your need and motivation to set boundaries becomes stronger.

Making self-care a priorit means youā€™re giving yourself permission to put yourself first.

Putting yourself first also gives you the positive frame of mind. And inner peace to be more present with people when youā€™re with them. We all know that when weā€™re feeling happy and balanced. We can be a better wife, mother, husband, colleague or friend.

If I havenā€™t made the time to do my yoga or swimming workout. I can become quite the grumpy mum and wife! No one benefits from you not taking care of yourself and your needs. Put your own safety mask on first.

No one benefits from you not taking care of yourself and your needs. Click To Tweet

3. Be Assertive

Even though you know intellectually that people are not mind readers. You still often expect others to know what hurts you. But since itā€™s most likely that they donā€™t know. Itā€™s important to find a way to communicate clearly and effectively what you need from any interaction or situation.

Being up-front about your needs and expectations and being able to communicate them clearly. Means thereā€™s much less room for stressful situations to arise.

In the past, Iā€™ve sometimes been a little hurt by someone elseā€™s assertiveness. When fiercely protecting their own boundaries. (That was possibly because at the time I didnā€™t know that I was worthy of asserting my own boundaries). But afterwards, I was often grateful for their assertiveness. Because when everyoneā€™s expectations and needs are clear, it avoids all kinds of uncomfortable situations.

4. Practice Makes Perfect

Communicating your boundaries assertively is a skill and takes lots of practice. Iā€™ve been practising for years now and given my recent difficult experiences I realise Iā€™m still far from getting this right.

Communicating your boundaries assertively is a skill and takes lots of practice.

Setting boundaries takes courage, practice and support. Itā€™s a skill we all need to practice and master. But itā€™s worth taking on the challenge to change. Because when youā€™re able to set up and maintain your own healthy boundaries well. Itā€™s a great feeling, for you and others.

5. Ground and Protect Yourself as Preparation for Maintaining Boundaries

Grounding techniques can really help you maintain your boundaries. ā€˜Groundingā€™ is any kind of technique you use to nurture a loving connection with yourself and the space around you.

Some techniques include visualising yourself growing long, deep roots into the ground. Perhaps all the way down into the centre of the earth (I love this one). You can also use a grounding stone of some kind, such as black tourmaline or smokey quartz. To help you ground your energy while you visualise yourself becoming deeply grounded.

When youā€™re grounded and centered, you donā€™t get so easily blown around in other peopleā€™s emotional storms. Itā€™s a way of intentionally connecting with your own core and intuition. It helps you stand your ground and stay centred around people who tend to knock you off centre.

When youā€™re grounded and centered, you donā€™t get so easily blown around in other peopleā€™s emotional storms.

Obviously itā€™s impossible to avoid all difficult situations entirely. But when you know youā€™re about to enter one, take a few minutes to ground yourself. Then you could even imagine breathing a bubble of protective energy or light around you. Think of it as space that will only allow in love and positive energy and deflect anything else. Really see it and feel the force of it around you. This really works too if you believe it does.

Healthy boundaries are all about getting to know yourself and your needs intimately.

It’s about developing enough self-esteem to know that you are worthy of setting and maintaining your own boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are all about getting to know yourself and your needs intimately. Click To Tweet

_________

Find out what it is that you need to stay centered and balanced. Know the things that maintain your sense of well-being and comfort and fiercely protect those things. Donā€™t let other peopleā€™s expectations or your own naĆÆve hopes stand in the way.

If youā€™re not sure whether a certain situation will ruffle you. Take the safe route and build in measures to protect yourself anyway. This is not selfish or unkind ā€“ itā€™s essential to avoiding stress and tension for everyone involved.

So dig deep, have a chat with yourself and find out what you need to stay happy, balanced and grounded. And let me know if you have any breakthroughs in the comments below!

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24 Comments

  1. Susie Jerovich

    Thank you. Much needed reminder

    Ironically I have of late struggled to make toxic relationships work, compromising my values and sanity.

    Whilst I realize distance and boundaries are necessary, nevertheless I am grieving the loss of what ‘should’ have been.

    Reply
    • Kate De Jong

      Hi Susie,
      It’s difficult isn’t it? I’m glad this article was a helpful reminder. Hang in there. We’re all behind you šŸ™‚ Kate x

      Reply
  2. Lisa Brandis

    Really great article Kate thank you for the reminder that setting good boundaries is a work in progress! Really related to your sharing and to the ability to tune in to emotional guidance when in doubt!

    Reply
    • Kate De Jong

      Thank you so much Lisa, boundaries are definitely a work in progress aren’t they? I’m glad my article resonated šŸ™‚ x

      Reply
  3. Sue Lynch

    That’s great advise Kate, that’s something I really need to do, and it’s a timely reminder about grounding yourself

    Reply
  4. Kate De Jong

    I’m so glad Sue, yes I find the grounding really helps, and tuning into whenever I feel resentful or uncomfortable in situations. I’m glad this resonated with you šŸ™‚ x

    Reply
  5. andrea bentley

    Thanks Kate – a wonderful resource in my professional practice as a therapist and for myself in my own work. Much appreciated. Andrea

    Reply
    • Fempire

      We’re glad that this article was helpful to you Andrea! Establishing healthy boundaries is so important, and it can be difficult, as women, to remember that sometimes we need to put ourselves first! xox šŸ’–

      Reply
    • Kate De Jong

      Youā€™re so welcome Andrea, so glad youā€™ll be able to use these strategies!

      Reply
  6. Cassie

    I have a friend who likes to give me advise. She sees herself as a helpful realist, I find her an unhelpful pessimist. Her comments play into all of my fears and it will often take me hours to get over it. In a way the conflict is only mine, so strategy 5 really resonates with me as a way to protect my belief in myself and my business mission. I will definitely be breathing myself a protective bubble. Thank you!

    Reply
    • Fempire

      It’s great that you’ve been able to recognise how this person’s comments affect your confidence & mental health Cassie. I completely get what you mean! Sometimes people think they’re “helping” by pointing out any little thing when really they’re just poking holes in your confidence. Grounding yourself is a really good way to deal with this – I’d probably also try to stop confiding in her about business & if she keeps asking about it, I would just gently let her know why you don’t want to discuss it. šŸ˜Š xx

      Reply
  7. Keryn Rose

    Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Kate. Looking back over my life I realise how flimsy my boundaries were. They lacked strength and conviction. I now appreciate the role that boundaries play in my overall health and wellbeing.

    Reply
    • Fempire

      It’s awesome that you can reflect on things and on how much you’ve grown Keryn! ā¤ļø xx

      Reply
  8. Jeanette Murray

    Loved reading this. I’ve related to the whole article because I never learnt this stuff. It’s extremely hard now to work out my boundaries, but I try when the issues arise to give myself permission to have boundaries, to say no, to remove myself from the situation or whatever it takes for me to be OK.

    Reply
    • Fempire

      I’m glad this resonated with you Jeanette. Boundaries can be hard to establish but it’s never too late to start putting yourself first more often! xx

      Reply
  9. Simone

    Thank you for this article. Such a timely reminder, especially, as in my case, my go-to mode is to help others first. Therefore I have to consciously have a talk to myself every single time I recognise this situation. It’s just a check-in with myself if it’s worth the stress or if I should stick to my guns.

    Reply
    • Fempire

      That’s awesome Simone! One of the most difficult things about setting boundaries is remembering to maintain them. It’s important to regularly check-in with yourself as you’ve said, as it helps you to recognise that subconscious conditioning to always put others before yourself. Well done! šŸ™‚ xx

      Reply
  10. Charmayne

    Great article, thank you. Recognising that boundaries have been crossed by tuning into your feelings. (red flags) Feelings of resentment and discomfort – being taken for granted/feeling unappreciated. What a great way of understanding this. Love the suggestion also of being grounded- taking the the time out to feel and also the grounding stones of black tourmaline and smokey quarts. :)xx

    Reply
    • Fempire

      We’re glad you enjoyed the article Charmayne xx šŸ™‚

      Reply
    • Kate De Jong

      Iā€™m so glad my article helped you Charmayne! X

      Reply
  11. Rosanne Luna

    Great techniques!. Thank you Kate. Hit the nail on the head!!

    Reply
    • Fempire Team

      We’re glad you found the article useful Rosanne!! šŸ™‚

      Reply
  12. Elvia

    loved reading this šŸ™‚

    Reply
  13. Sandy Fraser

    I love the grounding idea, I’ve been doing this to get out of my head… but I think it’s deeper (pun not intended) than that. I need to get out of my head because I’m not prioritising my own needs and I’m getting all wrapped up in my thoughts.
    Exciting to have a strategy to start to unwind all this!!
    and the visual of Open Heart, Big Fence really appeals to me. šŸ™‚

    Reply

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